last time i sat down to write a report i was interrupted by a call to go out on the streets of nablus because there were tanks in askar refugee camp and some people were being held by the israeli defence forces. that seems like another lifetime. i am now back in london and apart from the fact that it is snowing for the first time in 10 years, there is nothing here that will disturb my writing tonight. i did not bother finishing my last report about the goings-on in nablus as i have read several reports about the situation from others. there is a lot of news reports about nablus and gaza and i have to say that media seems to be reporting if not on the side of the palestinians, certainly not favourably towards the israeli's either. there is a definite shift here in the media reporting.

i thought i would mention a couple of airport stories and also write a little about my reflections after leaving palestine.

when i left nablus and got back to jerusalem, i got into a taxi with two americans. one had cuban ancestry and the other indian. i mention this because they were not white skinned but they did hold american passports. when they arrived at ben gurion their bags were confiscated and they were told they would not get them back until they left the country. they were given 800 new shekels each as compensation.(a pair of jeans is roughly 400ns). the airlines and insurance companies had tried to intervene on their behalf but were told it was under the jurisdiction of israeli security.

i also had a humorous airport story of my own. when i arrived at ben gurion i made the mistake of telling the security office, when she asked if i had any relatives in israel, that i had been married to an israeli but had been divorced for 25 years. she asked if i had lived in israel and again i replied that i had, 25 years ago. she insisted that i must have a security number. no manner of convincing from me that i did not want a bloody security number (which in fact means i am an israeli citizen and must have an israeli passport) was enough to stop her from ringing her officer who then relayed my security number back to her (almost immediately - very frightening!). this number was then stamped in my australian passport as she informed me that i must go to the ministry of the interior and pick up my israeli passport! i told her that i didn't want an israeli passport. i told her that as an australian i couldn't hold dual nationality (a white lie but i thought i would give it a try) give up your australian passport she told me! no! i said. i am divorced i said. according to their records there was no record of my divorce, which is an interesting dilemma for my ex husband who has subsequently remarried 3 times! she told me if i didn't want the passport i could go with my divorce papers and present them to the ministry. who carries their divorce papers around with them! she finally let me in with the words that if i didn't pick up my passport i would be in big trouble when i tried to leave. after speaking to a few people i decided i would take a chance and not spend a precious day at the ministry trying to chase up a bloody passport i didn't even want. i had no trouble at the airport - i will come back to this later. but when i reached passport control the security officer informed me that as i didn't have a visa in my australian passport and that i should have an israeli passport because i had an id number she couldn't let me leave the country. i have to say i did think this was rather funny given that if they knew what i had been up to i think they would have happily bundled me on the next plane to anywhere. after about 10 minutes i managed to convice her that i would go straight away to the israeli consulate in london and get my israeli passport there. before i come to israel next time, i plan to apply for a british passport which i am also entitled to and lie through my teeth.

on a more serious note i didn't get hassled at all at the airport although theresa who left the week before got body searched and all her bags were also thoroughly searched. i couldn't see any pattern. maybe it is random, or maybe a particular answer to a question triggers off the need for a search, it is really difficult to say. if you get a blue sticker you have no worries.

finally some reflections on my time in nablus.

of course my passport story is a funny story but behind lies the real intent of the racist and facist state of israel. those like myself who are born jewish and have very tentative ties to israel are entitled to a homeland there, whilst others born in that land are unable to move about freely, or return to their land of birth. but i also think that this situation is not so far removed from germany or britain for example, who choose now to exlude the most vulnerable people from all parts of the world claiming refuge. this is not to excuse the israeli state. indeed i witnessed a situation of apartheid, i experienced the fascist nature of the israeli army and truly the words ethnic cleansing are not out of place in what is happening there. but i also see that it is on a continuum of what is going on all over the west. what happens to many people when they arrive in israel and are immediately deported at the airport for example is what happens to vulnerable people from all parts of the globe, except to people from the west of course, who apply for refuge in fortress europe or other parts of the western world. of course we are not directly in a situation of war either - but i am positive that if western governments could justify bringing in more brutal security measures - even more so than the new anti terrorist laws - they would happily see roadblocks and checkpoints and armed soldiers roaming the streets of london.

i spent some days in nablus and a few days in jerusalem and bethlehem. i left feeling incredibly hopeless and distressed. most of the people i spoke to in israel who were doing work with palestinians, were not israeli born. many of the soldiers are deeply brutalised and see all palestinians as potential terrorists. yet some of them were open to listening. when soldiers spoke to me about how they had no choice, i always responded by saying there is always a choice. of course those words, i have no choice, were deeply embedded in my psyche from having read much literature about the holocaust and it is impossible not to make a connection between what the israeli soldiers said and what the nazi's had said 60 years before. but it is important for me to understand the bigger picture of the development of consciousness, the use of power, and the nature of oppression in its many guises, and not to see things in simple black and white. for we are all capable of behaving just as the nazi's did and just as the israeli's are doing today. if i were brought up amongst racist propaganda and got to carry a semi-automatic machine gun slung around my neck at 18 years of age, i would also abuse my power. i am no different from them although i would like to think myself capable of being one of those small minority of incredibly courageous people who for some reason are able to rise above the processes of socialisation, who refuse to serve in armies or who maintain links with palestinians across physical divides and risk of arrest.but i am just as likely not to be counted in that small minority. it is important to keep understanding in all this horror and desparation, not to excuse or condone, but to understand. for if i lose my sense of understanding then i lose my ability to maintain my humanity. and for me it became most important to keep seeing the humanity in these young soldiers, for it is easy to become like them in these situations - to want to steal their guns and shoot them. watching them embarrass and humiliate and shout for no reason other than the person they are doing this to is not a person to them, but a potential terrorist, whether they are 2 or 9 months pregnant or 82. of course not all the soldiers behaved like this, but shamefully many did.

so it is not a story of hope or optimism. i cannot stop thinking about these experiences. i hang on to the few glimmers of hope that i did manage to salvage amongst all this brutality. meeting with palestinian women who called me their sister and after i explained i was jewish and was indeed their sister, their acceptance and hospitality offered to me was a real privilege and a reason to hope. the few israeli women i met who get up at some ungodly hour of the morning before work to go and do checkpoint watch. the soldier who walked around the holocaust museum with myself (the daughter of a holocaust survivor), a german judge who was our guide and who had converted to judaism and had been living in israel for 12 years, a christian chaplain and a muslim, all walking around a museum filled with a story of horror and despair, gleaning a possibility of hope in the fact that we could walk together and discuss our differences and that if we had the time we could figure a way forward in all this pain and devastation.

but i have to say mostly i felt an overwhelming sense that for the time being it is not possible to find a path of peace. the israeli government will not let israeli's into the occupied territories or palestinians into israel and there is a tiny minority of people who risks their lives to cross this divide.but somehow if i can maintain an honesty and be as real as i can, not to pretend things are different or better than they are, then maybe i can salvage hope. and mostly i believe i have a responsibility to use my privilege to try and raise awareness in britain. i am really glad that i went - it was an amazing and never to be forgotten experience. perhaps i made little difference, sometimes the international presence helps, sometimes not. but i will never forget what i witnessed there or the brave people that i met. my promise to myself and to them,is to keep real and keep doing those little things together with others that may someday add up to more than peace, but a different world based on values of love, sharing and tenderness towards all. in solidarity and heartfelt wishes to all the wonderful people i met, carolyn